last night my soul was truly lifted.
i feel like it's been a long time since i've felt that.
so many distractions, so much going on.
i definitely do not focus my actions on the
best
in life
and sometimes not even on the
good
in life.
i am constantly feeling like a failure of a mother.
at the end of every day i remember things
i did
or words
i said or
things
i didn't do
that make me feel regret.
i wonder why i can't control my temper.
i wonder why i can't just walk away from my email,
from facebook
and the phone and
just
be.
be with my kids.
be in my life.
all these thoughts rushed through my head and soul
last night.
i was truly enlightened
realizing how spiritually unhealthy i am.
recently, i read in my patriarchal blessing
about developing patterns and routines in my life
that will sustain me in my desire to choose the right.
so, in the past two weeks i have refocused
on my scripture study
and begun reading my scriptures in the mornings
right when i wake up.
it has helped a little bit.
this is something
i haven't put too much weight on since marrying paul.
{i know this is something that i always come back to.}
when it was just me i was so vigilant
about praying and reading my scriptures and feeling the spirit.
but then he came along
and i split that devotion.
devotion to him
and devotion to the Lord.
i always knew
that the man i married needed to love the Lord more than me.
and
i always knew that i wanted to be that way myself.
knowing my priorities.
...
it is just somthing i need to work on.
to focus on.
to refocus on.
to find time in my daily life to exercise my spiritual well being.
read the ensign.
listen to uplifting music.
meditate.
remember my purpose here on earth.
to be a mother in zion.
to raise my children in righteousness.
to uplift myself and strengthen myself spirtually.
so, when i am lonely or discouraged,
i can rely upon that spiritual strength.
instead of feel alone.
no one should ever feel alone.
last night the first talk mentioned women in all walks of life.
and how some women live in circumstances
where they don't even feel safe.
but are still faithful latter day saint women.
tears came to my eyes
as i thought of my ingratitude for what i have been given.
amazing blessings that others hope for.
and i have.
so, a gratitude journal is a start.
to think of things i have been bountifully blessed with:
{we all are healthy.
{i have an amazing husband who helps out at home. he loves me and the kids and strives to serve us even after working all day. he comes home and helps with dishes and with picking up the house. with getting the kids in bed and reading stories and changing diapers and giving baths. he never complains about anything but works side by side with me on this journey we chose to embark on together.
{i have wonderful, beautiful children who listen and obey and are fun and imaginitive and helpful. they play together and work together and love each other and love me and love paul. they want to please us and want to do good.
{i have a loving extended family. my family who raised me and loves me and wants me to be happy and my husband's family who has taken me in as their own. all who love me and the kids and who call and send birthday cards and packages and truly care for our well-being.
i always think about how
in the end
all that matters is
family
and our relationships.
and our testimonies.
that is all we will have when we die.
not money
or clothes
or personal belongings.
those things
don't
matter.
my children matter.
my husband matters.
my relationship with God
matters.
that is all that matters.
can i refocus this?
can i think about what is important.
and only that.
can i have self control?
it takes
great strength
to control ones actions.
to control ones emotions
and temper.
i feel very weak in this.
this self control that is needed.
Lord bless me in my weakness.
strengthen me where i need strengthened.
and forgive me when i forget
and fall.
i'm trying.
i really am.
