improvement

last night my soul was truly lifted.
i feel like it's been a long time since i've felt that.
so many distractions, so much going on.
i definitely do not focus my actions on the
best
in life
and sometimes not even on the
good
in life.

i am constantly feeling like a failure of a mother.
at the end of every day i remember things
i did
or words
i said or
things
i didn't do
that make me feel regret.

i wonder why i can't control my temper.
i wonder why i can't just walk away from my email,
from facebook
and the phone and
just
be.
be with my kids.
be in my life.

all these thoughts rushed through my head and soul
last night.

i was truly enlightened
realizing how spiritually unhealthy i am.

recently, i read in my patriarchal blessing
about developing patterns and routines in my life
that will sustain me in my desire to choose the right.

so, in the past two weeks i have refocused
on my scripture study
and begun reading my scriptures in the mornings
right when i wake up.
it has helped a little bit.

this is something
i haven't put too much weight on since marrying paul.
{i know this is something that i always come back to.}
when it was just me i was so vigilant
about praying and reading my scriptures and feeling the spirit.
but then he came along
and i split that devotion.
devotion to him
and devotion to the Lord.

i always knew
that the man i married needed to love the Lord more than me.
and
i always knew that i wanted to be that way myself.
knowing my priorities.

...
it is just somthing i need to work on.
to focus on.
to refocus on.

to find time in my daily life to exercise my spiritual well being.
read the ensign.
listen to uplifting music.
meditate.

remember my purpose here on earth.
to be a mother in zion.
to raise my children in righteousness.
to uplift myself and strengthen myself spirtually.
so, when i am lonely or discouraged,
i can rely upon that spiritual strength.
instead of feel alone.
no one should ever feel alone.

last night the first talk mentioned women in all walks of life.
and how some women live in circumstances
where they don't even feel safe.
but are still faithful latter day saint women.
tears came to my eyes
as i thought of my ingratitude for what i have been given.
amazing blessings that others hope for.
and i have.

so, a gratitude journal is a start.
to think of things i have been bountifully blessed with:

{we all are healthy.

{i have an amazing husband who helps out at home. he loves me and the kids and strives to serve us even after working all day. he comes home and helps with dishes and with picking up the house. with getting the kids in bed and reading stories and changing diapers and giving baths. he never complains about anything but works side by side with me on this journey we chose to embark on together.

{i have wonderful, beautiful children who listen and obey and are fun and imaginitive and helpful. they play together and work together and love each other and love me and love paul. they want to please us and want to do good.

{i have a loving extended family. my family who raised me and loves me and wants me to be happy and my husband's family who has taken me in as their own. all who love me and the kids and who call and send birthday cards and packages and truly care for our well-being.

i always think about how
in the end
all that matters is
family
and our relationships.
and our testimonies.
that is all we will have when we die.
not money
or clothes
or personal belongings.
those things
don't
matter.

my children matter.
my husband matters.
my relationship with God
matters.

that is all that matters.

can i refocus this?
can i think about what is important.
and only that.
can i have self control?

it takes
great strength
to control ones actions.
to control ones emotions
and temper.

i feel very weak in this.
this self control that is needed.

Lord bless me in my weakness.
strengthen me where i need strengthened.
and forgive me when i forget
and fall.
i'm trying.
i really am.

the Holy Ghost

i went to a baptism yesterday and heard a fantastic talk on the Holy Ghost. afterwards i asked if i could have her talk. it was the little girl's grandma and she had brought a present, wrapped in white wrapping paper with a white bow.

When you turn 8 it is a very special day, because then you can be baptized. Your baptism is one of the most important days in your life because it is the very first step back to your Heavenly Father. Even Heavenly Father gives you a birthday present when you turn eight. I am going to talk today about this wonderful gift. It is better than any gift you could ever have.


This gift is one that you will never outgrow. It won’t get broken like a toy. It is the most precious gift of all that comes from Heavenly Father through his special servants who hold the priesthood. This is your gift that can last through your life, if you take care of it. The Holy Ghost is different from our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They both have bodies like we do, but the Holy Ghost is a spirit that works with your own spirit. It really helps you when you need it and want it.


The scriptures tell us that the Holy Ghost is a spirit so he can dwell in our heart. I want to tell you a few things about the Holy Ghost and let you know why it is such a wonderful gift:

{with each bullet point, she pulled out a separate item.}


1. The Holy Ghost will speak to you in a still, small voice so only you can hear. {q-tips}


2. The Holy Ghost will warn you of danger. {lifesavers}


3. The Holy Ghost has healing power in your life. {Band-Aids}


4. The Holy Ghost can cleanse and sanctify you through repentance and the sacrament. {soap}


5. The Holy Ghost will inspire you and light your path as you go through life and help you understand sacred things. {light or flashlight}


6. The Holy Ghost will teach you. {apple}


7. The Holy Ghost will guide your footsteps back to Heavenly Father. {socks}


8. The Holy Ghost will let you know in your heart that God lives and loves you. {paper heart}


9. Another name for the Holy Ghost is the comforter. It is like a nice, warm blanket. If ever you are sad or afraid, the Holy Ghost will make you feel warm and safe. {blanket}


10. And finally, the Holy Ghost can testify of Jesus Christ—that Jesus died for us so that we might gain eternal life. {picture of Christ}

hands

know ye not that ye are in the hands of God?

Mormon 5:23

parenthood

“Sometimes as parents we feel we have failed when our children make mistakes… Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children. Their faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their children… . No family has reached perfection.”

~Robert D. Hales

success

peace, joy and hope are available to those who measure success properly.

Julie B. Beck

testimony

something upsets the rhythm of our lives--a crisis, a mistake, a temptation, a distraction.

in a moment, life changes and we are left searching for answers.
this is a critical time of decision.
how will we react?
where will we look to find the answers we need?

this is the moment when eternal destinies are forged in the quiet reaches of the heart and mind as we struggle to respond to a personal trial. at such moments we can choose to remember the spiritual witnesses and testimony we have received and rely on the Lord to help us through the challenge in a way consistent with His teachings and commandments.

or we can discount the sacred whisperings we have received from the Spirit and turn to our own or another's wisdom for a solution.

as John saw, in the end only those who choose to rely consistently and completely on their testimonies will be able to overcome all things in mortality and stand worthily before God at the last day.

from the article Trials and Testimony
by Elder Paul B. Pieper

service

i've always loved serving. probably because my parents were such good examples of service. if anyone called them, at any time, they would help out. no matter what. it was never a question of convenience or choice. and as i grew older i joined them on service projects, visits to women's shelters, delivering meals and the fun of secret Christmas drop offs. church was a major influence as well since a lot of what we do as Christians is service oriented. in october's general conference, elder quentin l. cook spoke about what a prominent rabbi observed regarding us as members:

...there are two very different reasons people engage in acts of kindness and generosity. Some people visit the sick, assist the poor, and serve their fellowmen because they believe it is the right thing to do and others will reciprocate and do the same for them when they are in need. He explained that while this is good, builds caring communities, and should be considered a noble reason, a higher motive is when we serve our fellowmen because that is what we believe God wants us to do.

He stated that as a result of his visit, he believed the Latter-day Saints undertake welfare and humanitarian efforts and the work of salvation in our temples in order to do what we believe God wants us to do.

but..my whole reason for getting on this subject was to share a story that tells a little bit about me and who i am. a story from my past.

when i was in high school, my family always did the 12 days of Christmas for a few families in the neighborhood. i absolutely loved this. doorbell ditching and leaving treats and the risk of getting caught is just so exciting. well, my brothers and i each took turns doing the drop off. and one night it was my turn.

the family we had chosen for this particular year lived in a house that was up on a hill. the front window was wide open and there were no trees in the yard, only rows of tall pine trees on either side of the house. so the obvious decision i made in this covert operation was to ring the doorbell, bolt through the trees and wait in the shadows.

so, with my plan in mind, i crept up to the door quietly, put down the treats, rang the bell and turned on my heels as fast as i could and ran to my left through the pine trees. unfortunately i didn't make it very far because unbeknownst to me, there was a chain link fence concealed between the trees that i ran smack into. like a cartoon, i bounced off the fence and landed flat on my back. and lay there in a daze till i realized that the family was coming to the door and no matter what, i couldn't be caught. so i rolled over, my head throbbing and crouched down against the fence waiting for them to come out..praying that they wouldn't catch me. and that's when i felt the blood running down my face and realized my nose was bleeding pretty bad.

well, i didn't get caught and i had quite a huge bruise on my forehead for a while but it has always been a fun story and obviously an extreme example of how i truly love the joy that comes from serving and will go to great lengths to do so. i have a testimony of service and know that when i serve others i am serving my father in Heaven. i know that when i'm being a little too narcissistic or feeling a little mopey that serving someone is an instant pick me up. above all i am grateful for my Savior and his example of service to others.